I fear my subconscious is a predator.
I fear it knows all of my weaknesses and manipulates me into hating myself.
I fear the thought that it is something other than my subconscious so much that I forget to remember it is.
I fear I act tough and that I am nothing.
Forgetting Christ used to be a “whoopsie”
But now as I settle into the role he requires of me
It seems to have consequences.
I can ill afford to forget how much He loves me.
Something is telling me I’m not good enough, and I’m not sure that something is me.
Wounds have been opened that demand attention I do not have.
In the confusion my God reminds me that He never gives me more than I can handle.
He is right because I am alive.
Because I am a better man than I once was.
Because He loves me.
I can finally admit I love everyone.
It drives home how flawed I am/ have become
I do not love them enough, or I do not understand what love really is.
How can you love someone you cannot save?
How can you love someone you have not met?
What does it say about our world that my first assumption regarding my pathological desire to care for and help other people (often at the expense of myself) is that I am mentally ill?
What does it say about me that I feel shame for the rage I can’t contain when I see good people trying their best to survive the meat-grinder that is our modern city?
What do you do when you’re in that stage of healing where the flesh is knitting itself back together?
Where it is itchy and looks disgusting?
Where you’re not sure if you’re infected?
It whispers that I am not good enough.
It does not let me feel, I think that protects me
But it seals me off.
I want to be a better person for/to the people I love.
I can finally admit I love everyone.
I’m not sure if I’m mentally ill, or a veil is being lifted.
Or it is trying to seal me off.
Or maybe I am virtue signaling.
I fear my subconscious is a predator.
Call 988 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. It provides free and confidential support 24 hours a day, seven days a week for people in suicidal crisis or distress. You can learn more about its services here, including its guide on what to do if you see suicidal language on social media. You can also call that number to talk to someone about how you can help a person in crisis. For crisis support in Spanish, call 1-888-628-9454.
For support outside of the US, a worldwide directory of resources and international hotlines is provided by the International Association for Suicide Prevention. You can also turn to Befrienders Worldwide.
Help is Available
If you or someone you love is living with substance use, alcohol misuse, a co-occurring, or a behavioral health disorder, there is hope. The Break Free Foundation aids individuals seeking recovery through the Break Free Scholarship Fund. It sends anyone who lacks the financial resources to attend a recovery center to do so at low to no cost.
Review our Treatment Locator Tool to find the right program near you, as well as our list of Hotlines and Helplines. Click here for a list of regional and national resources. On this road to recovery, no one is alone. We are all in this together.
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